May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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