I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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