come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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