I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
