My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
