Don't make out with my wife yet
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize