we're chasing vodka with high fives
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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