Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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