That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
