I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
