btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
