Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
