I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
