i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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