if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
