i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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