got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
