Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
this hospital has no fireball
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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