You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
We got so high we made milksteak
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
