the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
