onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
