My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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