I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
