it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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