onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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