we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Randomize