sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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