How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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