your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
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