4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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