I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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