Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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