i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
