my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm having to shit out rocks
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
