Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Randomize
