Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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