Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
