he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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