My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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