I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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