yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
