apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
