My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
