just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
