I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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