This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just had sex bonerless
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
