Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
