This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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