Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
