I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
