I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
