I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
