just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
