$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Enjoy the penises
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
