I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
