now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
