I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
