Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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